How to Help Kids Stop Comparing Themselves at School

Back to school SOAR.pdf

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Like many kids across the country, my kid started back at school this week. And the nerves and excitement have been alive and well in our home. But anticipation isn't the only thing that pops up when school starts. The start of a new school year is a prime time for comparison to thrive. The minute they hop on that bus or step through those doors, they are comparing friends, clothes, shoes, sports abilities, popularity, appearance, teachers, grades, accomplishments, and even how much fun everyone else seems to be having. 

In my latest episode of Project Confidence, I talk about one simple conversation parents and teachers can have with their kids to help them navigate this comparative culture and help them overcome its negative effects. 

Teach them the SOAR method for overcoming comparison. 

Kids naturally notice differences and are trying to figure out their place in the world and who they want to be. The problem comes when they turn those differences into conclusions about their own identity and worth:

• “She's smarter than me.”

• “Everyone has more friends than I do.”

• “I'm not as athletic as him.”

• “Why don't I look like her?”

• “I'll never be as good as they are.”

  
  

That's the moment we can teach them to SOAR.

S — State the comparison “I am comparing myself to ______.”

O — Observe the results “What is this comparison making me think or feel?”

A — Acknowledge why it's unfair “What am I forgetting? Am I comparing my whole life to someone else's highlight?”

R — Replace the comparison When comparative thoughts pop in, teach our kids to intentionally replace them with the AIR principles: Appreciation for others, Inspiration to try, or Recognition of their good.

For example, try replacing them like this: 

Grades: “She got a better grade than me.”

→ “I can be inspired by how she studies instead of using her grade as evidence that I'm not smart.”

Sports: “He's so much better than me.”

→ “I can recognize the progress I've made.”

Friendships: “She has so many more friends.”

→ “I can appreciate the friend she is to me.”

Appearance: “I wish I looked like her.”

→ “I can recognize the good in my own body instead of using someone else's appearance as a measuring stick.”

The SOAR method only takes a few moments to walk through. And while it may not immediately take away all those feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, little by little it will build true confidence in themselves, independent of anyone else, and it will help them make that important mind shift away from building their identity off of comparisons. 

So as the school year starts, listen for comparison language:

“Why can't I be more like…?” “She's so much better than me.” “Everyone else has…” “I'm the only one who…” “It's not fair. They get to…” “I'll never be as good as…”

Then give them your key coaching phrase:

“It sounds like you're comparing yourself. Want to SOAR through it?”

Want to practice SOAR at home or in your classroom?

I've created two free resources to help you make comparison something you can actually talk about and work through together. Available on the link at the top of the page

→The SOAR Reminder Card: A simple card kids can keep somewhere they'll see it when comparison creeps in.

→ The Parent Confidence Conversation Sheet: A simple guide with conversation starters and examples to help parents recognize comparison and walk through the SOAR steps with their kids.

We can't prevent our kids from comparing. But we can give them a different response when comparison shows up.

The goal isn't to teach our kids that they're better than everyone else. It's to help them stop measuring their worth against everyone else.

Because confidence doesn't come from winning the comparison. It comes from learning to step out of it.

Listen to the Back-to-School episode of Project Confidence →